self servings

Work as slumps and slow turns between productivity and preoccupation. Old habits die hard and new ones even harder. But with slumps, slow velocity, and slouched posture comes as a result of. To make, I intake and have shifted my perception of periphery perturbations. A new notebook with four corner constraints for comics and self infographics, a long desired septum piercing and permitted metamorphic indulgences, and assertions of any kind of reading. No more segmentation. Everything is connected at varying strengths and weaknesses (enough of a lesson this first year).

Today is requiring much inertia. I am trying to work to this rhythm:

I wandered the library leaving with 24 books; some I intended to uncover, others surfaced on the shelves. I have not thought about  how or why but about this and that.

I am trying to imagine myself to this rhythm:

I made this for my (peers) (students) (self)

a ripoff of Project 826's postcard

a blatant ripoff of Project 826’s postcard

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cutting chaos into clutter

This morning was the first morning I have woken up without trying to will myself back into stasis. I blame the weather (how long can a person be expected to dwell in grey as far upward and downward as the eye can see? There is not even a seam to be seen). Lately I have found energy in eating only green foods that simulate a landscape of lush greens (yesterday was avocado green, today chartreuse). And I am finding ways to energize myself instead of relying on catalyst encounters. There is one month left in this second semester of the first year. I have spent the last eight months treading water insulating myself with a non-permeable plastic coating (something akin to couch covers of the suburban 50s home: all appearance, no feeling). This was adjustment, trepidation, anxiety, curiosity, and eyes as big as saucers. But I didn’t get my hands dirty—taking in without raking, staking, taking apart. Coming back from the conference last week is starting: ideas, people, sloppy notes and clammy handshakes. Removing plastic periphery perimeter, I am understanding that clutter is not chaos, not all or nothing, nor something to be compartmentalized. This is happening.

This morning happening:

My assignment (with my students) broke, and it has never felt better to recompose

I am a part of my ideas (no more dismemberment or disembodiment or disassociation)

St. Vincent is patron of Thursdays

I uncovered forgotten video footage

Screen shot 2014-03-26 at 2.50.37 PM

 

autobiographing/moving forward

This is a self(ish) post. It is personal and contains no academic content. Except that it does.

kinetic transfer/transition

I’m in the transition period between MA and PhD. It’s not limbo; I don’t feel free-floating, aimless in waiting, or still of mind. Each day feels like some sort of spirit quest in which I am learning and getting to know myself, and with each day come rituals that I explore and abandon to better prepare myself physically and mentally. Some breakfasts give more energy than others; some times for exercise seem more beneficial to my ability to concentrate; to-do lists rarely result in doing; I can’t work on my computer in bed; breaks really need to be timed; etc. What I didn’t anticipate is the level of inner reflection that I’m practicing – I slice vegetables and meditate, I run and think of my future scholarship, I cut strips of tape to hang pictures and think of the connections I have established, need to maintain, and where I want to relate next. I hope these are synapses connecting to establish habits of mind that will serve me well as I continue on. Leaving my MA program and school (and state and professors and self(s) space…) is difficult; despite all of the good advice I’ve received, the support I continue to get, and all that I now carry because of the program, nothing could quite prepare me for this. And what I’m realizing is that it couldn’t, not entirely – and this is where I come in. Momentum requires my energy, moving, acting, doing, making, thinking require me to do so. This probably seems trite, but to me, this is life changing. It’s the time/space to establish who I am (want to be, am being, what I have done/yet to do). I’m not just going into a PhD program, I am moving forward.

looking at myself(s)

Working to better myself and know myself better, I bought a Fitbit monitor.

I’m flipping vertical lists into horizontal plots to graph progress. I realize this doesn’t change anything I actually have to do, but changing perspective brings a change in perspective.

I’m working to create more malleable daily plans, or ones that can shift based on circumstances without being obliterated. Yesterday I planned to write the entire day (as if that wasn’t setting myself up for disaster) but was struck with one of the worst migraines I have gotten in a while. Unable to pick my head up, writing didn’t happen. But sideways note taking, sketching, light reading, and watching generative documentaries (documentaries on creating and object making) could happen with pause. Another change is perspective: days are not lost, they sometimes change their focus.  I want to account for my time, but it rarely exists on a clear dichotomy of on task and off task.

Reasons I Don't Work

 

 

 

 

Reasons I WorkI want to be able to represent myself in my academic activity. This means using this space in earnest, and making my action/working/making/doing/thinking visible. Blogging notes robustly, attending and reflecting on events, having conversations, producing scraps of scholarship; but too – hand drawn comics, lists, graphics, asides, wonderings. A more visible (and known) self.

dinner to come back to

peach plum pear. green brussel sprouts and green apples. losing self-consciousness because the temperature just won’t permit it. thinking in observations – how to make note of notes for a later inscription in notebook. (new) place, or at least the space is (mine). books as books on books of books are furniture (material and semiotic).
first.

week of teaching

surreal as real can be.